Bad Monty!
by gawilliams
Summary: Deeks and Kensi are interrupted while having a little Sunday morning frolic.
1. Chapter 1

_This one may or may not work. I am taking (and extending to a more extreme result for the humor) some inspiration from something that happened to a friend of mine that was similar. I am not in any way supportive of, or encouraging, what happens in this story. I think that that cryptic remark will become clear once you read what happens. I hope the humor that this scene engenders is enough to make up for the leg crossing cringe that both sexes will no doubt experience. Gregg._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Kensi Blye was so angry right at that moment she could shoot someone. Here she had been enjoying a very nice time in bed with her best friend and lover, Marty Deeks, and _**this**_ happened! As she jumped into the shower, beginning to scrub her body thoroughly, paying particular attention to her nether regions, she continued to fume. It was disgusting! It was horrifying! The beast had to go! There was no way she would ever be in bed with that man as long as _**that**_ was still lurking around!

"Uh...Kensalina?" came a somewhat squeaky voice from the bedroom, rising just above the noise from the rushing shower spray. "I'm...uh...bleeding here...uh...I need some help...?" A moment of silence and then an agonized, horrified squeal. " _Oh My God! You ripped the skin off!_ "

"Good!" she shouted at him, not removing herself from the cleansing effects of the shower. "It serves you right! It's exactly what you deserve!"

 **Now you may be wondering what brought all this about. It's not too difficult to understand. Kensi and Deeks were having their normal Sunday morning romp and...**

" _Now this is the perfect way to begin a Sunday morning," Deeks said, lust filling his eyes as he took in the sight of a completely naked Kensi Blye in bed next to him. "You, me, naked and enjoying each other the way nature intended."_

 _Kensi chuckled. "I'm sure we've added a few things that nature didn't exactly plan on," she replied, moving her hand slowly down his abdomen and grasping his hard on. She began slowly stroking it, watching his face turn more and more lust addled, his eyes getting this dreamy, glazed look. In the past she had been very aggressive sexually, enjoying it fast and invigorating. With Deeks, though, she was enjoying the slow build up and the delicious spiral to orgasm that he always provided. Not that they didn't have some particularly hard and fast couplings, but he had shown her that a more "loving" approach could be even more satisfying and impacting. With that in mind she loved teasing him, letting his arousal build._

" _Uh...Kens?" Deeks moaned, trying not to break Kensi's concentration._

" _Something you'd like me to do?" she asked teasingly as she gave his erect cock a slow lick from base to tip. Deeks was sitting up in bed at a 45 degree angle, a couple of pillows supporting him, with his legs splayed out in front of him while she was between his outstretched legs on her hands and knees, resting her forward momentum on her elbows as she used her hands to tempt him, leaning in to add some attention from her lips. She had her legs spread slightly, allowing a low breeze from the air conditioner to add a bit of contrast to the heat of her center._

" _Oh, God, your killing me," Deeks squirmed. He was in absolute awe of her. No one he'd ever been with before had been such a master at foreplay. "You know what I want, Babe!" he practically shouted. This was going to be so good!_

 _Kensi smirked. Men were so predictable when a beautiful woman's mouth was close to their "Little Head"! Deeks was no exception. Not that she minded. She loved blowing him, and she especially loved the oral attention he showered on her in return. The man was the absolute Grand Master of cunnilingus in her opinion. She'd thought all that stuff about multiple orgasms was so much bullshit until she had taken the plunge and seduced Deeks. Or did he seduce her? She was still a bit fuzzy on that one seeing as he was recovering from being tortured and was in a different place at the time. It could have been that his messed up mind had done the seducing in a subtle, easily confusing way. No matter. It had been effective and now she was his, and he was most definitely hers!_

" _Are you going to return the favor, Baby?" she asked, still in a teasing mode._

" _Anything you desire!" he strangled out a reply._

" _Anything?" she questioned. That one was a new one. He must be in a seriously lust filled state to be making that kind of declaration!_

" _Yes!" he said loudly. "Anywhere, any time! Just do it!"_

" _I'll remember that," she told him wickedly as she took him in her mouth and slowly worked her way down his length, bobbing her head slowly, taking him in inch by inch. She was adept at deep throating, which he had almost had a stroke from the first time she had done it to him, so she now made a real show of it. Deeks, of course, being the typical male, she smirked again, thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. She took hold of his balls as she began to use her tongue and lips to bring him the pleasure he loved. Squeezing those lovely nuggets, she began to hum, adding to the physical sensations he was feeling._

 _All of a sudden, though, something didn't feel right. Then, to her horror, she felt a long, wet tongue glide along the length of her sex and up through her buttocks. In a totally unconscious action she squeezed her hand (_ **HARD** _), clamping down on Deeks balls as she instantly bit down and raked her teeth back up the length of him to get him out of her mouth so she could let loose a scream. Ignoring Deeks, totally justified, screams of agony, she jumped up and whirled around to see a totally happy Monty wagging his tail and offering her a doggy grin. Letting loose a shriek of complete horror and disgust she jumped off the bed and ran to the bathroom to give herself the scrubbing of a lifetime! Adventuresome in bed? Sure. But she absolutely drew the line at bestiality, and for more reasons than just that it was against the law! Having a dog try to go down on her was definitely high on the list of sexual no nos!_

 _For his part, Deeks had been enjoying another masterful display of Kensi's grand master skills at fellatio. Nothing beat that feeling, especially the way in which his beloved lovingly spent time making sure that all the bases were covered. The Big Kahuna deserved no less, after all! Just as he was about to let her know that he was loving every second of it, and that she could be assured of some serious payback, his bliss turned into the most sadistic, pain ridden horror imaginable. What had been a loving caress of The Boys, turned into a real life version of The Nutcracker! The sheer agony of it was enough to make him almost pass out. But that wasn't all. He felt TEETH, too. Oh my God! It was such a nightmare of pain on the Big Kahuna that he thought she was going to actually bite the thing off and he was going to be Bobbittized! And then the scraping! Every millimeter felt like it was on fire, and a rusty hacksaw blade was being run along his length! Deeks let out a VERY high pitched scream and when she jumped off him he whipped his hands down there to protect the Crown Jewels and the Imperial Sword of State! By the time the water in the shower could be heard he was on his side groaning in agony in the fetal position. If his hands hadn't been busy on guard duty he would have been cheerfully, if in agony, sucking his thumb for comfort._

 _Deeks was wondering what in the Hell had happened as he took stock of the unbelievable amount of pain he was in. That was when he felt something slick on his hand and he looked down and saw some blood on his fingers. Not a lot, but enough to know that he was in some serious trouble. He called out to her, though his voice was rather high pitched and squeaky. Not surprising since she had just a moment before tried to turn him into a dickless wonder! But now was not to reason why. He needed some help and he was barely moving right then._

" _Uh...Kensalina?" he squeaked out. He knew she had heard him. He'd managed to get the volume of his voice above that of the water. Nothing. "I'm...uh...bleeding here...uh...I need some help...?" Still nothing. Shit! Something was really hurting down there on the Big Kahuna! He decided to remove his hand and see what was happening down there to the Big Guy, though right now the Big Kahuna was trying for all he was worth to shrink and hide! He slowly revealed himself and took a good look, turning utterly pale and green around the gills at what he saw. "Oh My God!" he squealed. "You ripped the skin off!" Sitting there, quite limp and useless, was his shredded dick, at least one layer of skin removed and a few lucky pieces, or unlucky as the case may be, hanging on by a thread! No wonder he was in such pain and bleeding. He needed some serious medical attention mucho pronto! What he heard back from her wasn't encouraging. Nothing, until he heard that voice he normally loved and anxiously waited to hear every waking moment. Not, though, he didn't think he'd be enjoying that voice too much for quite some time._

" _Good!" he heard her shout back at him in a VERY angry tone of voice. "It serves you right!" she continued. "It's exactly what you deserve!"_

" _The Big Kahuna deserves to be absolutely shredded?" he asked silently in horror. What the Hell is going on? No matter. He needed medical attention before gangrene or something more horrifying set in._

 **Now that you're all up to speed on what happened, we can continue on in real time.**

Every move being on of agony, Deeks somehow managed to get hold of the cell phone next to his bed and call 911. He had the feeling that the emergency operator was laughing her ass off at his explanation of the nature of his problem. "Yeah, uh, I got most of the skin ripped off my penis and it's now bleeding a bit." Oh, yeah. That one was a YouTube moment for sure. He made a mental note to make sure the tape of that call was conveniently destroyed. As he was waiting for the ambulance, still nude as he wasn't about to put anything on the raw nerves of the LITTLE Kahuna, Kensi finally came out of the bathroom, in a robe.

"Ambulance is on the way," Deeks told her, his voice still in a higher pitch than normal.

"It can't be that bad," Kensi said angrily and then she got a look at it. " _ **SHIT!**_ " she yelled. "I am so sorry, Deeks, I thought you were joking!"

"Joking about _THAT?_ " Deeks questioned incredulously. "What the Hell is going on, Kens?" He demanded. If his dick was shredded, then he damn well had a right to know what caused the shredding to occur!

Kensi quickly got some clothes on. There was no way Deeks was going to the hospital without her. "That evil mutt Monty came up behind me and LICKED me," she said, the angry tone back in her voice. "On my _**KITTY!**_ " she added when he still didn't quite understand the gravity of what had been done to her.

"Well, at least he knows something good when he sees it," Deeks tried to jokingly defend his beloved pet, though he was planning on having a serious discussion with Monty about being very absent when Daddy was getting lucky, as the consequences of his being present were enough to make Satan himself cross his legs in fear and sympathy. That is if he ever was able to get laid again. Right now even the merest thought of sex, especially oral, made him seriously nauseous.

"That is not funny!" Kensi growled angrily. A knock at the door ended her tirade and she went and let the EMT's in and into the bedroom.

The EMT's came in and checked him over, deciding that he needed checked out by the doctors at the ER. They carefully put a temporary dressing on Deeks and then let him use the gurney to get out to the ambulance. Kensi grabbed some clothes for Deeks and followed the ambulance to the hospital. She had glared daggers at Monty on her way out of the house, though, to make sure the evil thing knew that it was going to be a long time before he was out of the literal, we well as the proverbial, doghouse.

A few miserable hours later the two of them entered the house. Deeks, naturally, was walking rather funny, wearing baggy sweat pants and a sweat shirt, the front of his pants looking like he was seriously padded. Kensi looked somewhat repentant, but still managed a fierce glare at Monty who came up to them wagging his tale happily. Both of them were surprised to see Hetty standing there in the living room, giving them a silent, probing stare.

"Hetty!" they both said at the same time.

The diminutive woman continued to look them over, and let her gaze linger on Deeks padded groin. She raised a brow at them.

"I trust there is an explanation for the fact that a valued member of my best team was in the ER," she said finally. "And that instead of contacting me directly I had to find out about it due to Nell catching an emergency call to Mr. Deeks home?"

"Uh, why didn't you come to the hospital when you found out?" Kensi asked, a bit chagrined that she hadn't let their boss know that one of them was being taken to the ER. That was a major mistake given the kind of work that they were in.

"I chose to assume that because you hadn't informed me that it wasn't too serious, or work related, but I am here now to confirm that," she replied, giving them one of her disappointed/disapproving stares.

"Totally non work related," Deeks managed to grumble.

"And would you mind telling me what happened, then?" Hetty pressed.

Deeks looked imploringly at Kensi who simply glared at him. He just knew that this was going to be one of those unbelievably embarrassing moments in life that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. The hospital had been bad enough. The pain had been added to what was already there, with the disinfecting and cleaning of the wounded appendage. When they had to move The Boys around to do anything he had been hard pressed to keep from squealing in agony. Kensi's grip had done a real number on them, too. Finally, he just gave up. There was no denying Hetty, after all.

"Tell her," Deeks said as he took a seat on the couch. Monty scampered up next to him for some attention. Deeks scratched his ears. "You and I are going to be having a serious conversation, Monty," he told his pet.

Kensi glared at him again for leaving it to her to tell the tale. She began and, in detail to make Deeks squirm, told Hetty everything, including all about the time in the ER. When she was done it was almost impossible to tell what was going through Hetty's mind.

Hetty herself was trying not to burst out laughing. It was damn funny, but at the same time incredibly worthy of cringing, on both their behalves. Instead of taking it out on them, and likely embarrassing them further, she went over to the errant Monty and gave him a woeful shake of her head and began to shake her finger at him.

"You need to be taught some manners," she told the dog. "If I hear of anymore incidents like this, and you will be shipped off to obedience school. You've been a very bad boy."

Deeks and Kensi were amazed when Monty whimpered and lowered his head in shame. Hetty even had the number of the animals! Was there anything that didn't cower in fear of the woman?

"And as for you, Mr. Deeks," she said and then whispered something in his ear. She chuckled as she saw the horrified shudder run through the LADP Liaison officer.

"And Miss Blye, try to remember that teeth are not a recommended element of that particular activity," she told the Agent. "I have a feeling that Mr. Deeks when he recovers will be covering that topic with you, as well. You both have one week off. I will come up with a suitable explanation for Mr. Callen and Mr. Hannah."

"I feel like my Mother caught me having sex," Deeks shuddered when Hetty had left.

"You and me both," Kensi shuddered. Being given a suggestion about the giving of blowjobs from Hetty? Ewww that was so not right! "What did she tell you?" she asked curiously. There wasn't much that caused reactions like that in Deeks.

"She offered me a visual image to keep the Big Kahuna from, shall we say, rising to the occasion until he's healed," Deeks told her. He could only imagine the pain that he would experience if he got a hard on while his dick was one large scab while the skin was growing back.

"And that was?" Kensi pressed. If she had to endure blowjob advice from the woman, then she deserved to hear what Deeks had been offered.

"She said whenever he decides to rise up in response to your overwhelming HOTNESS that I picture and aging Eleanor Roosevelt in a string bikini," Deeks managed to get out without hurling. It had been close, though.

"If you're okay by yourself for a little while, I'm going to go pick up your prescriptions and something for dinner," Kensi told him. "After I get back we can watch a movie after we eat."

"Sounds good, Fern," Deeks grinned up at her. He may be in a world of hurt right now, but he couldn't be mad at her. He watched as she blew him a kiss and walked out of the house. He looked at Monty. "As for you, we need to have a little chat on proper etiquette when Daddy is getting lucky, my Friend. I somehow think you're a little behind on the subject."

 _A/N: Good, not so good? I know I took a risk writing this one, but it popped in my head and wouldn't go away. Then I began writing it, and it wrote surprisingly well. It has all those humorous, sexy, fun moments, along with the horrifying moments, too. Definitely leg crossing for everyone, regardless of what side you're on, but I hope it was a good read, though, with a few laughs for fun. I hope you enjoyed this one, and if not, I'll try harder next time. Gregg._


	2. Chapter 2

_After much thought I decided to write a second chapter to this one before returning to continue on some of my Bones stories. I thought it would be interesting to see how Deeks fared once he returned to work a week after the regrettable, and horrific calamity that had befallen him. I hope you enjoy this continuation._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Marty Deeks was still not terribly happy when he slowly made his way into work at the LA headquarters of NCIS. A week had gone by since he had almost lost his best friend, The Big Kahuna, and he was still in agony. The Hell, though, was both mental and physical. During the night he was plagued by the most horrific nightmares about the pain filled experience, and by day once the scabbing had began to form, it was all he could do to make sure that nothing caused said friend from rising from the depths of _**boneless**_ recovery. It had gotten so bad that he had decreed that Kensi must wear the most frumpy, baggy, unappealing outfits imaginable so her totally hot figure had no effect on him. The stink eye he had received still sent shivers down his spine, but she had thankfully complied. Then the worst part was that whenever they would go to bed together, he would start to feel that familiar stirring down below, just from being under the sheets together! So now Kensi was pissed because she was using the couch. He had a feeling that once the sorrow and pity had worked its way out of her system after what she had done to him, he was going to be in for some serious punishment. While she hadn't been intelligible, the many, many _soto voce_ comments coming from the front room at night was enough to assure him of that. The _worst_ part of all this shit was that it wasn't even his damn fault!

"Mr. Deeks, I trust all is well?" came the voice of his boss Hetty.

"Coming along just swimmingly, Hetty," he said with a slight bit of sarcasm and smart ass that he was known for.

"For your information, and so that nothing too awkward occurs, I informed Mr. Callen and Mr. Hannah that you had a severe case of kidney stones and had passed several rather large ones painfully," Hetty told him. "I see by the ginger gait you are affecting that my small white lie will be quite believable."

Deeks mentally shuddered at the thought of passing "rather large" kidney stones. Anything having to do with the comfort or discomfort of the Big Kahuna made him nauseous anymore. He was going to be having some serious words with Kensi if his sex life went down the toilet after this. Here he was just hitting his sexual prime, and it all gets wiped out in one horrifying incident!

"Thanks, Hetty," he said simply.

"You will be on desk duty for the time being until you are able to move around in a more normal fashion," Hetty continued. She handed him a box. "I took the liberty of bringing you a silicon filled gel donut to sit on so that you might be a bit more comfortable considering what really happened."

"You're all heart, Hetty," he replied, just imagining the ribbing he was going to be getting over this.

All the while wishing he could just go back home and curl up with Monty in misery, he made his way over to his desk where Callen and Sam were waiting, smiles on their faces. Crap! He knew he was in deep shit now!

"Hey, guys," he said with a not so sincere grin on his face. Then he noticed a large glass of something that looked absolutely vile on his desk. The colors of the liquid looked to run the dark gamut from black to burnt orange. It was hideous! "What's this? It looks like a volcano vomited," he calmly inquired.

"That is what you are going to drink before the day gets started," Sam Hanna told him. "It will thoroughly cleanse you body of toxins and pretty much eliminate all chances of kidney stones."

"I think it's a good idea, Deeks," Callen added, a grin on his face.

"I think I'll pass on the volcano vomit," Deeks solemnly replied, gingerly moving the glass away from him.

"I think it's a VERY good idea," Kensi said with an evil look in her eyes as she moved it right back in front of him. The very look that said payback started that very day, even though the Big Kahuna was still just a scab covered limp noodle.

"Bottoms up, Deeks," Sam said, mildly amused, and also curious at the same time as to how Deeks was going to react to the vile brew. It was a common cure all remedy in the SEALS that was effective, but was the most disgusting stuff ever created.

Deeks felt like crying at that moment. He had no desire whatsoever to drink this stuff, but now he had no choice. Taking a deep breath he grabbed the large glass and began chugging the stuff hoping that by doing it rapidly he would lessen the horror. No such luck. Oh My God it was absolutely vile! He kept chugging, though, for if he stopped he knew he'd be vomiting all over the place. Jesus! Satan himself would be revolted by this mess! He finally finished the sludge and slammed the glass down. "Water!" he strangled out.

"Nope!" Hanna said firmly. "No other food or drink for the next hour while your system slowly digests and absorbs it."

Deeks felt his stomach lurching, and he barely kept himself from throwing up. Taking the silicon donut from the box, he set it on his desk chair and gingerly sat down, giving out a sigh of relief.

"We do have one bit of good news though," Callen said, a smile on his face.

"Oh?" Deeks asked. He could use some good news right about now.

"Jackson's bachelor party is tonight and we're all invited," Callen said. "Except you, Kensi. Guys only."

Kensi chuckled. "I will leave that party to you guys," she told them. "Besides, naked ladies prancing about does nothing for me."

"Uh, I think I'll pass, too," Deeks told them. "I'm still not up to partying yet."

"Oh, I think you are," Kensi told him. "A good old fashioned bachelor party is just what you need. I'll just be at home enjoying a quiet evening and wait up for you."

"Perfect!" Callen and Sam said at once. "We'll head on out after work."

Deeks sat there fuming. He knew damn good and well he would be in agony before the night was over, and if he made even one slip the guys would know exactly what had caused his "illness". No matter how he sliced it, he was seriously fucked!

 _A/N: I decided to do this as a three chapter story. Here was his return to work, and the third chapter will be the bachelor party and his return home to the vengeance motivated love of his life. I hope you enjoyed this second chapter. Gregg._


End file.
